Jenna Waterbury
#MeToo. Social media. TikTok. Only Fans. Gender fluidity. The realities of what kids know — or think they know — about sex is vastly different than when we were growing up. While this assumption has been said between generations before, it is undoubtedly true today as young people have access to way more sexualized content than ever before. A typical birds-and-bees conversation doesn’t do justice to what it’s like to be a sexually curious young person in our modern society.
We spoke with a pediatrician, a social worker, a relationship therapist and a public policy expert to find out what a modern sex talk should include.
Here, Jenna Waterbury, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, owner of New Beginnings Counseling, LLC shares her thoughts.
Q: Why do parents need to speak with their children about sex and how do they start? Not only what age, but how do you bring it up?
It is often said that teachers have the most influence on a child’s learning. I agree with this but do not want parents to rely on their child’s school to be their only source of sex education. School should not be the first place that your child is hearing about sex.
It can be intimidating to talk to your child about sex but remember… if you aren’t talking to them, their peers are! Parents significantly impact their children and parents are their child’s first teacher. It is common for parents to begin preparing their child for school before age 5 by teaching them their colors and shapes, reading to them, practicing counting, etc. By age 5, parents will also want to have given their child their foundation for how they begin to see their health and safety — both physical and emotional safety. Our personal beliefs about our physical and mental health as well as our safety will influence the decisions we make about sex.
As your child ages, the conversations will change over time. The important thing is to never stop talking to them and to keep the lines of communication open. When you are regularly speaking to your child about their physical health and their emotional well-being, sex education becomes a natural part of these conversations and is eventually a topic that is comfortable for you and your child to speak about.
When you are the one who is speaking to them and providing education, you can clarify your values about sexuality, love and relationships. The sooner we begin talking to our children about sexual health, the better prepared they are.
Q: Does the classic "birds and the bees" discussion suffice anymore? Why or why not?
I think statistics throughout the years on teenage pregnancy alone has shown us that the “birds and the bees” conversation was never enough. Sex education is not simply about reproduction. It should be comprehensive sexuality education that is medically appropriate and include information on the benefits of delaying sexual intercourse while also providing information about contraception to prevent unintended pregnancies, as well as barrier protection to prevent sexually transmitted infections.
Sexual education also includes information on consent and decision-making, intimate partner violence and healthy relationships. This is also a wonderful opportunity to talk to your child about gender equality and human rights values of all individuals.
Adolescents and teenagers should be regularly educated on the dangers of social media and internet and the consequences of pornography use.
I regularly talk to my own three children about the differences between the physical and emotional aspects involved with sex. Physically, sex is not as complicated. Emotionally, it’s a different story. Kids talk about “hooking up with one another,” “friends with benefits,” “situationships,” “f$$kbuddies,” and other physically and emotionally high-risk relationships. As human beings, regardless of age, everything we do has an emotion attached to it. Engaging in any sort of sexual relationship with someone can activate an intimate emotional bond and create vulnerability that one or more of the individuals may not be ready for. Adolescents and teenagers will want to know before they make this decision that it is not just sex, they are taking a highly emotional risk. Talking to your child about the emotional aspect of sexual relationships will give them the opportunity to prepare them for their emotional reaction.
Instead of the traditional birds and the bees conversation, a less intimidating way to think of speaking with your child about sex is to think about sex as a series of conversations both formal and informal that you will have with them throughout their childhood and teenage years.
Many parents come to my office with this petrified look on their face. They want to know what to say to their child who just asked them about “insert sexually explicit term” that their child’s friend had told him at recess. Parents are often afraid or unsure of how much to tell their child out of “fear they will say the wrong thing,” or “they’re oversharing.” Relax! If your child came to you and asked a question, you are already doing something right!
Q: Are these talks one and done? Or is a sex talk something that should be revisited? How often?
The good news is that you don’t have to tell your child everything all at once. In fact, too much at once can be overwhelming. When parents feel brave enough to have their first conversation about sex with their child, they tend to feel the need to “get everything out there all at once.” This is not necessary and may scare them away. Start in small doses.
Look for teachable moments — watching movies or television often allows opportunities to have conversations about characters in shows. If your child is talking about their friend from school who has a boy/girlfriend, use this as a chance to ask questions to open a conversation.
Talk to your kids in the car, text them, email them, it does not always need to be a formal, sit down, conversation. Again, the goal is to make this age-appropriate and to think of it as an ongoing discussion that evolves in response to what your child needs to know.
Q: What sorts of topics should you cover in a sex talk?
In earlier childhood, the focus can be on learning the correct anatomical names for all of their body parts, recognizing that different people have different bodies, and understanding appropriate versus inappropriate touching. As they get older, you can talk about how babies are made and the bodily changes that happen during puberty. Later, you can address safe-sex practices, sexual consent, and how to navigate relationships.
Babies and toddlers (0-24 months)
At this age, you are teaching your child correct names of body parts and explaining bodily functions. Use proper names for genitals in everyday activities like bath time.
Early childhood (2-5 years)
You want to set yourself as their No. 1 source for information. Be honest and answer questions about where babies come from. Begin teaching consent and boundaries and what is appropriate when it comes to touch and being touched by other people. Touch-based games like tickling allow you to teach your child how to assert their boundaries and that they have a say over their own body. Telling a child when and when they cannot climb on your lap helps teach them an understanding of consent. Tell them others should never ask to touch their genitals and to tell you if this happens. Discuss boundaries and privacy of others.
Middle childhood (5-8 years)
Your child is a sponge at this age! They believe and absorb everything you say. Capitalize on this opportunity to either continue to be or set yourself up to be their main source for information. If you don’t, they will get it from somewhere else (friends and the media).
Try to answer their questions as honestly and matter-of-factly as possible. Ask them "What do you think?” This helps you to work out what they already know and what they want to know. Make sure that you give them enough information so that they don’t make wrong conclusions, e.g. if you say that a baby is made when a man and woman sleep together, they may think that means when they lie down next to each other. Check that they have understood what you have said.
Discuss internet safety (establish rules around talking to strangers and sharing photos online, explain pornography.) Speak more openly to your child about sexual abuse in order to protect themselves.
If your child is not yet aware, you can explain the reproductive process. Talking about sex can go together with the puberty discussion (menstruation, pubic hair, body odor, changing voices, etc.)
Late childhood (9-12 years)
This age is full of emotional and social changes. At this age, emphasizing on a routine basis that it is normal for their bodies to be constantly changing is the best thing you can be doing for them. This is a time of great insecurity.
Begin having conversations about sexual choices and safe sex. Talk about the various types of birth control and how they work. When you start having conversations about sex with your child, you are letting them know that it is OK for them to come to you with any questions. Provide basic information about sexually transmitted infections, and basic information about how to avoid pregnancy. Share your values and beliefs about sex, love, dating, contraception, and when it is OK to become sexually active.
Check in regularly with your child about internet safety and adjust your rules as needed. Talk openly about bullying online, respect on the internet, and other social etiquette. Make sure they know how to be cybersmart and to use their cell phone safely.
Teenagers
If you’ve established yourself as open to discussing those topics, your teen is probably going to feel more comfortable talking to you about sex. Continue to talk about dating, contraception, when to have sex, how to say "no,” parent’s sexual values and beliefs — love, dating, contraception, and when it is OK to become sexually active.
Sexual education at this age also includes information on consent and decision-making, intimate partner violence and healthy relationships. Teenagers greatly benefit from conversations about the differences between the physical and emotional aspects involved with sex.
Q: How important is it to take cues from what kids and teens are seeing on the internet, social media, and other entertainment? It seems kids know — or think they know — more about sex than I did as a child because of their exposure to sexualized content.
It is important for parents to be aware of the various trends happening on social media from the type of clothing being worn, popular music, slang terms, musicians, products being marketed to children and teens, etc.
For the past 10 to 15 years, it seems as though children in the 8- to 12-year-old age range are becoming more like teenagers, leaning more toward teen styles, teen attitudes and teen behavior. Many parents who bring their children to my practice agree. They complain it is hard to find their children (both boys and girls) clothing that is not overly sexualized. The children report feeling tremendous pressure to perform in advanced classes at school while also participating in extracurricular activities both at school and outside of school. I see stressed out children from demanding schoolwork and being overscheduled and parents who are exhausted and stressed out from over working to provide for their families.
This leaves little family time and what time there is, children prefer to check out on their tablets, computers, cell phones, or other electronics where they are on YouTube, social media, listening to music, etc. Engaging in what is oftentimes adult-oriented content in terms of sexuality. A lot of shows that children watch have teenage characters in them who are sexually active and many articles that teens can read online are directed toward children their age but about topics such as how to turn guys on or what girls want in bed. Pornographic websites are also accessible online for kids without doing too much work to find them.
Children who are rushed to grow up before they are ready or who have too many pressures put on them may develop stress-related mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, eating and sleeping disorders, avoidance issues, etc.
Q: Is it appropriate and/or necessary to discuss things like consent, #MeToo, gender fluidity, and sexual curiosity?
It is necessary and appropriate to teach and discuss topics such as consent, #MeToo, gender fluidity and sexual curiosity.
Education about consent begins with early childhood. Teach children to ask permission before touching or embracing a playmate. Begin teaching them empathy as a young child and that the words “no” and “stop” are important words that should be taken seriously. As your child ages, the words you use with them change but the idea remains the same, we do not touch others without permission.
As children develop, they begin to explore gender roles and what it means to be a boy or a girl. Children begin learning about gender roles from their family and cultural background. They also hear messages about gender roles from the world around them, which includes their peers, school, social media, etc. Through their interactions, they begin to define themselves and others in many ways, including gender. Children may ask their parents and teachers questions about gender, take on “boy” and “girl” roles in dramatic play and notice differences between the boys and girls they know. Parents need to be educated on these topics to be able to discuss them with their children.
Both boys and girls need to be taught what to say and what to do when they experience or witness sexual harassment happening. Explaining #MeToo is a good way to introduce this. A conversation about #MeToo should include developmentally appropriate information on the definition of sexual harassment (including verbal, cyber harassment, physically, nonverbal and unwanted behavior), healthy relationships for teens and how to report harassment and assault.
Q: Should parents talk to their sons about sex differently than their daughters (or however their child identifies)? Why and how?
In my opinion, the topics are the same. With girls, you want to go into more detail during your puberty conversation about how to use tampons correctly and other feminine products. Other issues including consent, boundaries, reproduction, STIs, pregnancy, etc. remain the same for each sex.
Q: Is it still relevant to talk about sex in terms of love and being with someone you love? Is abstinence still relevant?
I think we must take into consideration the complexities of sexual development during adolescence and take a comprehensive approach in how we speak to our children about sex. When speaking to my children, I include topics such as gender, diversity, relationships, empowerment, consent, our personal beliefs and values, rather than solely focusing on the biological aspects of reproduction. I believe that strengthening psychosocial competence in my own children and in others may protect them from risky sexual behaviors.
I do believe there is room for abstinence in talks with children about sex. However, it is one component of a comprehensive sex education. Abstinence is included as a component in scientifically evidenced-based models of sex education
It is so important and necessary to educate your children about the emotional risks associated with sexual activity. Engaging in any sort of sexual relationship with someone can begin an emotional bond. This will likely create a level of vulnerability in your child that they have not experienced before. Adolescent and teenage relationships are risky with highs and lows. Parents need to be mindful and watchful of their child’s mood to ensure that they are not in need of additional mental health support. Talk to your child about the emotional aspect of sexual relationships, if they won’t talk to you encourage them to speak to a therapist.
Q: How do you bring up potentially concerning consequences of sex (STIs, assault, pregnancy) without frightening or scarring your child?
When you talk to your adolescent or teen about STIs, and pregnancy, a great way to bring up the conversation is to let them know you want to talk about responsible decision-making. Think about the best way to communicate your message, including the right words and body language.
After you have decided what to say, give accurate information. It is best to keep your tone of voice very matter of fact and talk to them respectfully and straightforward. Explain that birth control, like the pill, does not prevent an STI. Condoms are the best way to reduce the risk of getting STIs when they are sexually active. Show your child how to use latex or polyurethane condoms to reduce the chances of contracting an STI. Use two fingers or a banana to replicate a penis.
When talking to your child about pregnancy, it is extremely import not to be judgmental or make threats. Open communication between child and parents about contraception use, parental support and healthy family dynamics, as well as peer use of condoms is critical. It is fine for parents to share their beliefs on adolescent and teenage pregnancy should it happen, i.e. adoption, abortion, or if the family would or would not be able to offer support should the child become pregnant. The most important part of these conversations is that they are open, honest and non-shaming.
Although it is difficult, I strongly encourage all parents to speak to their child about safety and sexual assault. Look for opportunities to start conversations. Ask your child’s opinion on something happening on social media or in the news. Asking their opinion shows them that you value their point of view and opens the door for more conversation. Talk with them about caring for their friends and not just about their own behavior. Talking about how to be a good friend can be an extremely powerful way of telling your teen that you trust them to do the right thing without sounding like you’re attacking their personal behavior. It also gives you the chance to communicate safety practices they may not otherwise be receptive to.