#MeToo. Social media. TikTok. Only Fans. Gender fluidity. The realities of what kids know — or think they know — about sex is vastly different than when we were growing up. While this assumption has been said between generations before, it is undoubtedly true today as young people have access to way more sexualized content than ever before. A typical birds-and-bees conversation doesn’t do justice to what it’s like to be a sexually curious young person in our modern society.
We spoke with a pediatrician, a social worker, a relationship therapist and a public policy expert to find out what a modern sex talk should include.
Here, Nan E. Morgan, Senior Director of Education and Public Policy at Planned Parenthood of Southwest and Central Florida, shares her thoughts.
Q: Why do parents need to speak with their children about sex and how do they start? Not only what age, but how do you bring it up?
Parents should talk to their children early and often about sexuality and other important topics. There’s no better resource than a supportive parent. As soon as kids start learning to talk, parents can teach them the names of the parts of their body. As soon as they start being around other kids, parents can teach them about respecting other people and talking about their feelings. These things lay the groundwork for healthy sexuality and relationships later on.
The great news is that parents don’t need to be experts, just willing to talk AND listen. The open, non-judgmental conversations parents have with their children about sex, puberty, bodies, and relationships will help them stay safe and healthy as they grow up.
- In elementary and middle school, give them books about anatomy or puberty and let them explore them on their own. Check in with them to ask what they learned, what was confusing, and answer any questions they may have.
- Check in with them regularly about what’s going on with them and their peers at school. Ask them how they feel about their friendships and help guide them through any troubles they’re having.
- Once they’re older, ask them about crushes or dating or relationships. Ask them how they think they’ll know when they’re ready to have sex, including the responsibilities that come with it (like preventing unintended pregnancy and STDs).
Q: Does the classic “birds and the bees” discussion suffice anymore? Why or why not?
Parents and caregivers need to know that there’s no one best way to talk about sex and relationships. The important thing is to start and continue having these conversations. Rather than “the talk,” parents and caregivers should think about communicating with their children in many ongoing conversations that reflect their child’s age and development.
Q: Are these talks one and done? Or is a sex talk something that should be revisited? How often?
Sex education is an ongoing conversation that should happen throughout a person’s lifetime. Just like math starts with counting and builds over many years to calculus, sex education starts with building blocks like being a good friend and anatomy and builds over many years to things like safer sex and sexual consent.
Q: What sorts of topics should you cover in a sex talk?
A: Sexuality includes a wide range of topics including communication in friendships and relationships, bodies and body image, reproduction, gender identity, sexual orientation, sexual behavior, preventing pregnancy, STIs and other related topics. Parents and caregivers can find guidance on how to talk with their children of any age about a variety of topics on our website at PlannedParenthood.org/Parents. Whether you have a preschooler, a high schooler, or anywhere in between, you can get support about how to talk about topics like personal safety, healthy friendships and relationships, bodies and body image, gender identity and sexual orientation, sexual health, and more.
Q: How important is it to take cues from what kids and teens are seeing on the internet, social media, and other entertainment? It seems kids know — or think they know — more about sex than I did as a child because of their exposure to sexualized content. Do they?
Kids are being exposed to all kinds of content through digital devices at an alarming rate without supervision or guard rails. Kids are not able to navigate the amount of information and images that their brains are being flooded with on a daily basis and decipher what is real. It is more important now than ever for parents to have on-going conversations with children about personal safety and that includes pornography and the internet. Children are now unintentionally being exposed to inappropriate messages and images at very young ages because of the easy access through their personal devices. When people are exposed to porn at a young age, they think that it reflects what sex is like and have unrealistic expectations of what their bodies are supposed to look like, how they are supposed behave and respond to a partner. The internet and social media allow young people to connect with each other and learn endless things, but it also has a lot of misinformation. What your child does online can affect their personal safety as well as their relationships with the people in their life. What they say about other people can have consequences, too. Help your child understand that what they see, say, and do online matters.
Is it appropriate and/or necessary to discuss things like consent, #MeToo, gender fluidity and sexual curiosity?
Young people need access to information and resources that include consent and healthy relationships, gender identity and safe spaces where they can get reliable information and resources to support where they are in their lives. This information needs to start well before college and well before they become sexually active.
Comprehensive sex education helps prevent sexual violence, coercion and assault by helping teach young people what a healthy relationship feels like and giving them opportunities to practice good communication skills before they become sexually active. Sex education can equip young people with skills they’ll use throughout their lives, like understanding and celebrating their identity and identities different from their own, developing and maintaining healthy relationships, making informed decisions about their sexual health, and thinking critically about the world around them.
Q: Should parents talk to their sons about sex differently than their daughters (or however their child identifies)? Why and how?
Parents should share the same messages with their sons and daughters when it comes to sex and relationships. Open, honest, ongoing conversations with parents provide a critical foundation for the development of a child’s personal values and for them fostering healthy friendships and intimate relationships throughout their life. When we give all children the same messages, we reinforce the same social expectations and hold them equally accountable for decision-making around sex, consent and boundaries. We are also acknowledging the full gender spectrum and creating a safer space for all children to learn and ask questions.
Q: Is it still relevant to talk about sex in terms of love and being with someone you love? Is abstinence still relevant?
It is always relevant, and important for parents to share their personal values and beliefs and ask the teen what they think about sex in terms of love and why someone might choose to have sex or not have sex with a partner. Honest communication between parents and children gives both of them the opportunity to hear from each other and help the child gain clarification around their attitudes, beliefs and values.
Abstinence is still relevant, but the way it is discussed is more inclusive. Here is the way we discuss abstinence. Anybody can be abstinent, no matter their age, gender, sexuality, or the sexual experiences they have had before. People are abstinent off and on for reasons that may change over time, and a few are abstinent their whole lives. You can choose to be abstinent whenever you want, even if you’ve had sex before. For some people, abstinence means not having any kind of sex. For other people, abstinence only means not having vaginal sex, but other sexual activities are allowed. Abstinence is the only 100% way to prevent STDs and pregnancy.
Q: How do you bring up the potentially concerning consequences of sex (STIs, assault, pregnancy) without frightening or scarring your child?
Talking with teens about sex doesn’t encourage them to have sex earlier. In fact, studies show that teens who report having good conversations with their parents about sexuality wait longer to begin having sex and are more likely to use condoms and other birth control methods when they do become sexually active. Most parents and teens do talk with each other about sex and related topics. Eight out of 10 teens say they’ve talked with a parent about sexuality and relationships.
Q: Anything I haven’t asked that you feel is important to share?
Teachable moments are everyday opportunities to have meaningful conversations about different aspects of sexuality and development.
Tips on How to Answer Questions
- Normalize and validate the question and ask them why they are asking you the questions.
- Ask what they think the answer is.
- Answer the question honestly.
- Ask if they understand the answer.
- * Spend more time listening than talking
It’s Helpful to….
- admit you don’t know everything
- make mistakes….and correct them later
- feel embarrassed or have children who feel embarrassed
- use books or online resources like Amaze and PP for help
- have different beliefs or opinions about sexuality
It’s NOT Helpful to…
- make them feel bad for asking a question
- tell them to find the answer on the internet on their own
- laugh at them or their question
- ignore their question
- tell them you will talk about it later and then avoid the conversation.
Parents and caregivers can find guidance on how to talk with their children of any age about a variety of topics on our website at PlannedParenthood.org/Parents. Whether you have a preschooler, a high schooler, or anywhere in between, you can get support about how to talk about topics like personal safety, healthy friendships and relationships, bodies and body image, gender identity and sexual orientation, sexual health and more. We also have a series of videos for parents and caregivers of teens in both English and Spanish, providing tips on how to start conversations about sex and relationships. Our video series for parents and caregivers of younger children support conversations about bodies, gender, identities, sex and relationships in developmentally appropriate ways with preschool, elementary- and middle school-aged children.
Parents and caregivers can show their middle and high schoolers how to use Roo — Planned Parenthood’s new sexual health chatbot — to get personalized health information instantly, any time. Through Roo or PlannedParenthood.org, young people and parents can also have live conversations with trained health educators via our Chat/Text program to help make decisions around sexual health care.