My husband-coach always told our three kids to never “should” on themselves, because it never did them any good after the fact. I should have caught that ball. I should have passed that test.
Why do we “should” on ourselves anyway? Why do we “should” on our kids? Perhaps it’s a gentler, albeit just as pointless, way of assigning blame, which somehow seems to soothe our sports parenting frustration.
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Youth sports is full of shoulds, most of them useless and even harmful. Let’s work on getting rid of these:
- You should have tried harder.
- You should have worked more in practice.
- You should have complained to your coach during the game about your playing time.
- You should listen to me from the sidelines; I know what I’m talking about.
- You should work as hard as so-and-so on your team.
- You should take the game more seriously.
- You should be farther along than you are.
- You should take control of the team. You’re the best player.
- You should have won that game.
- You should be ashamed of how you played.
Let’s work on replacing should with encouragement, helpful feedback and perhaps a little less intensity about the game.
Believe me, as your child grows up and continues playing, the competition will naturally intensify without your help. Be the parent who enjoys the game, encourages your kids to learn from mistakes and allows them to really have fun.
Shoulding on your kids or yourself, for that matter, is just another way of living in the past, instead of focusing on tomorrow. Shoulds never accomplished anything but feelings of shame and regret. Should won’t help your kids become better; they just cause them to feel defeated.
Kids tend to should on themselves enough without you adding to their burden.
— Janis B. Meredith, a coach’s wife for 29 years and sports mom for 21 years, lives in Alva, where she writes about character in youth sports on JBMThinks.com.