Babies. It seems like they’re everywhere. Every time I look at a newborn, I get this crazy rush of feelings that is a combination of adoration and anxiety. I still can’t believe I have a toddler now. My daughter is 18-months-old and the light of my life. She is dancing, talking and running all over the place. My husband has been ready to start trying for baby No. 2 since our daughter was about 6 months old. I, on the other hand, have been … hesitant.
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I should preface this by saying that I have always wanted two children. I was an only child for roughly 29 years of my life and was then given the gift of stepsiblings. It is rare that you’ll hear me say stepbrother or stepsister, because I just consider them my brothers and sister. However, I always wanted a sibling at a much younger age. My parents were cool about letting me take friends on vacation with us, but it just wasn’t the same as having a sibling. So I decided that when I had children, I wanted two of them.
Life changes when you actually have a child, though. I feel like after 18 months, I’m just finally getting the hang of this whole motherhood thing. Our day-to-day life is still chaotic, but it’s a somewhat controlled chaos at this point. The routine of day care and work has become relatively seamless.
I’m not sure that I’m ready to shake all of that up just yet. I love my job, and the thought of going on maternity leave isn’t all that appealing to me. Yes, it’s time that I get to spend bonding with my baby, but it’s also lonely. I had a rough time with postpartum depression after my daughter was born, and the thought of that happening again also makes me a little anxious. There are so many variables that go into this decision of having another baby.
Was I ever really ready for baby No. 1? I’m not sure I have an answer to that question. I was anxious before I had my daughter but for a lot of different reasons. Would we be able to even have a child? I have polycystic ovary syndrome, or PCOS, so I wasn’t sure what our journey to parenthood would consist of. We were very lucky and conceived naturally. Then came a flood of other questions. I had never had a child before. What was giving birth going to be like? Would I be a good mom? Was I going to become a totally different person?
All of that answered itself, but I have different questions now. Will conception be a struggle this time even though it wasn’t last time? Are we ready to be a family of four humans and two dogs? This last question comes with so many sub-questions.
The comfort of what is known is very appealing, but if I never ventured into the unknown, I wouldn’t have the beautiful little soul that pops up out of her crib every morning to smile at me. Motherhood is a journey, and it is ever changing. For me, I think I’m going to let go and let life happen. We are as prepared as we can be. The fears and anxiety of a second baby will come and they will go, but I know at the end of the day when I see that little face it will all subside.
— Maisy Adams is a Southwest Florida writer, doctoral student, wife and new mom. Follow her parenting musings and everyday adventures at maisyann.com